Chapter - 5 THE DIVINE LANGUAGE OF THE UNIVERSE “The Awakening”

CHAPTER 5

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I either saw myself as the victim or I always tried to be absolutely right. I never thought of to be made mistakes or hurt people. Or I simply did not accept all these were my fault because of self-delaying which would hurt before I even realize.

I produced various kinds of energies for various kinds of events: Some of them were happy, sad, and laughter-inducing or some of them simply made me cry. There were ups and downs in every experience. I rose well up, but then hit the bottom. I rose again and just as the moment I thought that I was at the ease, now another things had went wrong and I hit the bottom once more time. Trying to rake everything together, slipping most of them away... Why would I live these all?

Now I can consider that in every choice I have made, be they jobs for money, friends, partners etc. I was angry with myself, in fact. All of the reactions and outcries were, indeed, reflections of the self-anger.

As I kept growing self-anger, I blocked the flow of the beautiful, pure and clear energy of the Creator towards me. I sabotaged myself. Would a man do that to himself?

My self-anger shifted my energy into a negative form and I did not realize it. That is why, no matter how much I kept that I was positive, forgive people and events; the fact that I could not forgive myself affected me and my whole life. Because, that negative energy blocked the positive one. I came to the realization that neither forgiving people and events nor practicing everything I had learned was sufficient. There was the energy, as my own product, in the centre. As long as I did not accept and forgive myself completely and as I was, neither the affirmations nor the techniques I had learned was of use.

Self-acceptance and self-forgiveness were of importance. They indeed were. In order to accept the life and the events, I needed to accept and forgive myself.

I could not sleep for days when I found out that it was me and my ill-thoughts slowing myself down in the path of enlightening. Instead of forgiving myself in the first place, I did exactly the opposite. I fought with myself until I got myself knocked out: “Why did I waste that many years?” At that point, I was at the zero-point once more!

“Enough is enough! When I consider that something is working, another thing goes wrong. Is not there any easy way out or any kind of button, so that I can push it and let money, love, happiness and peace flow into my life?”

There was one!! But I was going to learn it after so many times. I always chose the difficulties, which is why I proceeded that long way.

I restarted my researches. The most dangerous creation is when one is angry with himself. “So, I must forgive the rage and resentment immediately”, I thought. But now I was confused how to do this. But this confusion was a natural reaction in recovery process.

Thinking on how to proceed, I thought of the prior tactics.

I decided to try and I spelled the affirmations, which is a technique in forgiving the others, but this time for me. “I intend to forgive myself...” I said over and over.

At first, an inner voice kept judging “me”: If you have not said those words, s/he would not go. If you have not trusted gullibly, you would not be fooled. If you have not made this decision, you would stay in your job. If you have not accepted, you would not be paying all these debts of your so-called friends... Such inner judgements would not go silence easily. It even made me thinking to hit my head to the wall in order not to hear it. Thank God I did not do!

I regularly repeated the affirmations steadfastly and determinedly, in order to get rid of those thoughts. I realized that the affirmations did not work when I did not breathe deeply from nose. So, during the affirmations, I inhaled from nose a lot but slowly. Meanwhile, I wrote all thoughts causing distress, onto writing sheets and burned them. That is how I progressed decidedly in the path of “self forgiveness”.

However, the negativities of the prior experiences bothered me from time to time. And I got furious with myself at those times. I was as if in a vicious circle one more time.

Finally I found where challenged me the most. I used to be knocked by the people who mostly I cared and served because I expected similar returns for my labour. When that was not fulfilled, it meant destructions for me. It was my choice to be over generous and helpful. It made me crazy that people around me did not show appreciation. This is where I felt angry with myself the most: I remembered all these events just in the process of self-forgiveness. And at those times, I foamed with rage like a monster trying to escape. Confrontation with my idiocy was really

annoying. I let everyone take advantage of me. If I have not let them, they would not treat me like this. I chose to care and appreciate the others instead of myself and waited for their appreciations.

I chose this: “Care and be loved in return!” In the very ground of this thought, there lied the fear of worthlessness. I thought that they would thank me back with their appreciations as long as keep showing interests on them. However, it did not work that way!

I found out that self forgiveness was more difficult than forgiving the others.

I did not have to meet with or speak to the people I have forgiven, yet I saw my own reflection anytime I looked to the mirrors. I used to turn my eyes away from me while shaving, brushing my teeth or hair. I struggled with not to look into my own eyes. I knew that I could escape from anything in life, and indeed I did as so. However, I could never escape from myself. Because, anywhere I, I carried myself with me. Therefore I preceded my practices.

In time, I managed disabling the occupancies of those negative thoughts. Of course, like everyone else, I was used to hit by some negative thoughts or prior memories, agonies or worries. But now, they were slipping away like soap foams. Just like a non-stick pan, they would not hang anymore.

“From the very first day of my life up until now, I accept and forgive everyone and every single event that made me feel hurt, broken and misused. I also accept and forgive my own choices, my prior memories and the time I believe I have wasted.”

Life is made up of choices. I choose everything for my life. I chose my job and the place where I live. I chose my partner and my friends. Honestly; it is nothing but my choices what I have lived in life! “So what about are these complaints?”

Self forgiveness was such a relief, I realized. I felt as if invisible burdens lifted away off my shoulders one by one. I felt relieved as long as I forgave. My energy rose as long as I felt relieved. The most interesting thing was that the more I felt relieved, the more the events become smoother. Conflictions with people became less gradually; in fact they even disappeared. I woke up more cheerful and vigorous in the mornings.

There was nothing more beautiful than forgiving the person I see in the mirror every day. Because he would always be the one who would I see when I look in the mirrors. Whenever I looked into my eyes in the mirrors, I repeated the following affirmation with a vivacious voice:

“I accept and forgive myself for every choice I have made up until today, every decision I have ever made and every action I have done. I give up on blaming myself for all the negativities which have arisen from those decisions. I accept, confirm and love myself physically and spiritually as how I am. All has come and gone.”

“If I knew then what I know now” was a sentence I used a lot. “Because, then I would not make all these mistakes! I could even move heaven and earth!” But with a rational thinking, I now comprehend that I already know what I know by means of prior experiences. That is, if I had not lived those experiences, I would not know what I know now.

My new response to the question “Would I act the same if I knew then what I know now?” became my favourite quotation: “I would act the same in order to know what I know now!” What is of importance is not what I did beforehand but it is what I might do henceforward. Do I accept everything completely I have been through for the sake of my future? Do I forgive people? Do I accept and forgive my prior actions? Am I ready for a new beginning? Have I got the courage?

I disengaged my excessive concerns of ‘who does what’, ‘who is with whom’ or ‘who went where’... Instead of observing externally, I decided on to retrace my inner world with love; because, just as like everybody else, I am responsible for myself primarily.

I expected others for years to speak to me with affection or make me feel valuable. In order to hear these affectionately uttered words, I exerted myself for many years. However, finally I came to the realization that it is a complete freedom to be able to say those words to myself. Intending to fill the empty container inside, I searched for love outside as if it was a “medical tablet”. However, now I can produce the love I wished for inside and share it with others!

“How would I fill your glasses with love as long as my pitcher is empty?”

“I forgave myself. I love myself and I care myself. I choose and love to enhance and share my inner love instead of looking for it outside. So glad I am present, so glad I am on this earth....